falling apart

I read a lot of blogs.  The bookmarks neatly lined up on the top of my browser boast names like “I Should Be Folding Laundry” and “The Pioneer Woman” and my favorite, “Enjoying the Small Things.”  Most of the blogs I read make me wonder if these women EVER have a bad day.  Seriously.  They all seem so with it.  And they blog almost daily.  Daily?  Seriously?  Who has the time?  And they all seem to cook beautiful meals and take their kids on fun adventures on a daily basis and shower every morning.  Every morning?  Seriously?  Who has the time?  I just had a conversation with my friend Stephanie about this.  We agreed that at times, these women make us feel a bit inferior.  Where are the blog posts about burnt toast and disobedient children and carpet stains?  But what I have to remind myself is that they have those days too.  They just don’t write about them.  They choose to decorate the walls of their blogs with pictures of only happy moments, fun days, beautiful meals, clean houses and well rested mothers.

My blogging is a little different.  Yes, I love to write about perfect days when I’m patient and the kids are compliant and there is a sense of peace over our home.  But I often feel inspired to write about the hard times.  (I tend to post pictures about the fun days.)  It’s when life feels melancholy that I have a desire to put word to pen (or keyboard) and sort through all the ick of the day.  As I’ve said before, it’s therapy.  And it’s free.

This morning I fell apart.  Totally fell apart.  By 10 am I had already cried, yelled at the kids and expressed to Stan how unappreciated I felt.  Can I tell you what set it off?  Hmm, not sure.  It might have been Avary saying some very mean things to me.  It might have been Ashton arguing with Avary at the breakfast table over her version of rock, paper, scissors.  It might have been Grant complaining for the umteenth time that I wanted him to brush his teeth.  Honestly, it probably had nothing to do with any of those things, and more to do with a lot of worry and a long mental to-do list that I was  fretting about.  Whatever it was, I totally lost it.  I wanted to close my bedroom door and crawl back into bed for the day.  My wonderful husband did the breakfast dishes, had a talk with the kids and then left, probably thankful that he had a busy day away from home.  (I’m pretty sure the kids were wishing they could have gone with him.)

Then the guilt came.  Guilt from yelling and not dealing with disobedience well.  Guilt from unloading my frustration on my husband.  Guilt from falling apart in front of my children.  Guilt because I felt selfish for wanting to be alone.  After a hot shower and a good cry, I had a talk with God.  And He had a talk with me.  (Ok, don’t let me lose you here–I’m not crazy!)  I strongly believe that God’s spirit can speak when we are silent.  And often it is just through a reminder of a scripture.  All at once I remembered this verse:

The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure. –1 Corinthians 10:13

I no longer felt alone.  I remembered that what I was dealing with wasn’t unique.  It didn’t make me a terrible mother.  Others have faced these issues and temptations.  (Even those happy go lucky bloggers…and better yet, even my Savior.)  And not only that, God was not going to provide ways for me to endure this day.  If I sought Him, I did not have to chalk this day up to awfulness.  I could overcome and make it good.  I did not have to waller in self pity and guilt.  I could, with His help, make it a great day.  And so, that’s just what I did.

And here is the evidence.

A trip to the library:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A backyard picnic and story time:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Many photo opps with my own beautiful kids:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A nature hunt, by request of my oldest explorer son:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And just time to enjoy my kids.

So I guess the whole point of this post is to encourage other moms out there.  You aren’t alone.  On those days when it’s only 10 am and you already feel as if the house is crashing down around you, remember me.  I’m probably doing the same thing.  And if I’m not, I’ll have my turn tomorrow.  Have a conversation with God.  Let His Spirit lift you up and remind you of what you need to hear at that moment.  Then let go of the guilt and make the day great!  (And don’t, for any reason, read any of those too good to be true blogs. )  🙂

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8 thoughts on “falling apart

  1. misty, thank you for writing this!! even in your brokeness, you turned it around and saw God’s truth about your situation, your trials, and frustrations!! i good to admit when you things are tough- life is meant to be shared -the good, bad, and the very UGLY!! one of my new life songs is hey, it’s a good day by ffh – one of the lines is “circumstance and situations change, you know life can turn on dime, but there constant hope and peace that i’ve come to find, and it’s all because of who god is, and that HE is alive and I am HIS!!” motherhood is tough and can be very frustrating, but GOD does know our hearts and our struggles! your children will rise up and call you blessed!!

  2. Misty,I feel so blessed to have read this!!U def arent the only one who has these days,we all do!!Next time i have one of those days i will think of u and take ur advice.I luv u !!

  3. I’m not a mom, but I’m a fill-in 🙂 I love the kids I take care of but there are those days when I feel I completely fail them! There are days when I completely want out. I wonder how other nannies do it all… then realize that I’m not one of those other nannies! I have what these kids need right now. Such a responsibility!

  4. You make an excellent point…about blogs being so happy and sunshiney. In asking myself why I try to keep it positive, it’s because in 10 years I don’t want to necessarily remember the bad stuff that is defining my life at the moment. Am I in a struggling marriage, yes. Do I suffer from the notorious ticking clock, oh yes. Am I stuck and feeling locked in a straight jacket, you bet. But those things are depressing and better suited for an email to a good friend with a soft heart and a gentle spirit.

  5. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. As a mom is is always uplifting to hear other mothers stories. I was in a “funk” today, & after reading your blog things just seemed better!! So thank you 🙂 Keep them coming!

  6. Misty, I love your authenticity!! How well I remember those days!! But here is a bit of encouragement…it is only a season! I know, there are days it seems that the season will last forever, but now that I have a quiet, clean, well organized home, and LOTS of time with my One True Love, those precious memories of the “crazy times” are what color my world, and make me thankful for the time and energy I poured into my kids…even on the “yelly, screamy” days. I love that you took your kids to the library! We always did that, and I felt it was like “shopping” without having to pay! Such wonderful entertainment! And yes, I read a lot of blogs, and I just wonder if some of those women ever sleep!! OR cook a meal without a camera in their hand!! But God has given us all different talents, and I have so enjoyed the wonderful talents that God has given you! Your amazing abilities, your loving spirit, and the wonderful help-meet you are to Stan! YOU are a blessing to many!! I love you!! Carol

  7. Oh Misty – thanks for your honesty and raw emotion. I was right there with you today. It was just one of those days you have with a 3 year old and one year old. It is so nice to know I am not alone. Thank you for your words of wisdom and for reminding us how we need to look to the Lord to help us those times of self pity and feelings of worthlessness.

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