I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit.
Unfortunately, I’ve so often let fear hold me back from things I really wanted to do, or felt I was being led to do. And I look back with sadness at missed opportunities, things I can’t take back, choices made out of being terrified of doing what really SHOULD have been done. Words left unsaid ring in my ears. Things I never did, and should have done, haunt me.
“So you should not be like cowering, fearful slaves. You should behave instead like God’s very own children, adopted into his family – calling him “Father, dear Father.” ~Romans 8:15
My God is so big, and His plans for me aren’t small either. And so, I’m giving up the fear. And I’m going to stop looking back and regretting, and instead move forward with gusto, to live the life He wants me to live, as his child. And really, truly, it’s not even about me. It’s about using me…my own gifts, talents and even failures and flaws, for something far bigger and greater than me.
I know this is all a bit vague, but it’s where I’m at right now. And I haven’t written in awhile because there’s been this internal struggle that I really didn’t want to share. I know I promised a “While Daddy’s Away–Part 2” but that’s just not where I was. And to force myself to write something is just impossible and it would have been ugly to read. So this is what you get instead. 🙂
I want to live bigger, love more and follow the dreams He’s planted in me. This means I’m going to have to say no more. It means I’m also going to say yes more. It means I’m going to have to put myself out there more and let Him stretch me to my limits. And it means giving up control, which is the hardest part. Letting Him lead me down roads that are scary but lead to a beautiful destination.
My child, never forget the things I have taught you. Store my commands in your heart, for they will give you a long and satisfying life. Never let loyalty and kindness get away from you! Wear them like a necklace; write them deep within your heart. Then you will find favor with both God and people, and you will gain a good reputation. Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths. ~Proverbs 3:5
On a less vague, yet related note, I have an interview tomorrow. I haven’t interviewed for a job since high school. If you have any great interview tips, feel free to share. (I’m interviewing for a preschool position, so you might keep that in mind.)
I love taking pictures. It’s like a drug. 🙂 Small Wonders Photography is off to a great start. Check out the blog here. Hopefully, by tomorrow, my first family shoot will be posted. Yes!
I’m struggling to do anything around the house today. Stan wouldn’t let me do a thing on Mother’s Day. (Thanks babe!) I think it spoiled me. But, unless I can convince Avary and Ashton to do the dishes and vacuum, I’m going to have to unglue my hiney from this chair and get busy. 🙂 I’ll leave you with a couple of my most recent favorite pics of the kiddos.